* the scene George (Hamlet) rehearses (Michael as Ophelia):
[Enter HAMLET]

HAMLET To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action. ЧSoft you now! The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remember'd.

OPHELIA Good my lord, How does your honour for this many a day?

HAMLET I humbly thank you; well, well, well.

OPHELIA My lord, I have remembrances of yours, That I have longed long to re-deliver; I pray you, now receive them.

HAMLET No, not I; I never gave you aught.

OPHELIA My honour'd lord, you know right well you did; And, with them, words of so sweet breath composed As made the things more rich: their perfume lost, Take these again; for to the noble mind Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. There, my lord.

HAMLET Ha, ha! are you honest?

OPHELIA My lord?

HAMLET Are you fair?

OPHELIA What means your lordship?

HAMLET That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse to your beauty.

OPHELIA Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than with honesty?

HAMLET Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the time gives it proof. I did love you once.

OPHELIA Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

HAMLET You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it: I loved you not.

OPHELIA I was the more deceived.

HAMLET Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me: I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves, all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery. Where's your father?

OPHELIA At home, my lord.

HAMLET Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the fool no where but in's own house. Farewell.

OPHELIA O, help him, you sweet heavens!

HAMLET If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague for thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a nunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go, and quickly too. Farewell.

OPHELIA O heavenly powers, restore him!

HAMLET I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, and nick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonness your ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages: those that are married already, all but one, shall live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a nunnery, go.

[ 3-1 ]


[ one act ]


MIKE, as Mickey Mouse.
GEORGE, in Ronald McDonald's costume.

Lunch break. They are in costumes, makeup, eating, drinking, smoking behind a shopping mall, near garbage containers. Table and banches. Music is playing over loud speakers.

[ no set and, of course, they use the curse words ]

[ mickey mouse @ film-north/plays ]

[ Summer. NYC. ]

GEORGE: Are you all right?

MIKE: Look, the mouse. Right there.

GEORGE: It's hot today. They can't sit in a can.

MIKE: Did you ever have a pet?


MIKE: I had a mouse. The usual, white one. Do you know what I called him?

GEORGE: Mike, what's the matter?

MIKE: (About the mouse.) Do you know what he is thinking about now?


MIKE: The mouse.

GEORGE: It's a rat.

MIKE: It's me. I know all his thoughts.


GEORGE: So, what's the problem? You do presidents and clowns, too.

MIKE: Yes, but it's not me, it's him who plays. When I do Abraham Lincoln, you know who acts, who is behind? Mickey Mighty Mouse.

GEORGE: Why don't you quit?

MIKE (Coming closer): I think about him. You know who thinks? Not me, him. He does everything. Everybody loves him. Nobody ever asked me to give them a hug. Why? I'm a man, I read books, I have a degree. What does he have that I don't?

GEORGE: You take it too personal.

MIKE: I'm a person. He is a person. All day I think about it. Day after day.

GEORGE: Take some time off. You'll go nuts.

MIKE: I have all the time in the world! It's he who is busy. Why do they want to see him? Why not me? They don't ask for me, or you, even for Santa. They want him, the mouse! Do you know how many photos we two have done? I don't remember, I lost count. Who is crazy? (Looking through the pictures.)

GEORGE: Why do you keep them? Throw them away.

MIKE: Look, look at the kids! (Gives George photos.) They all are dead. Murdered. I hug them and they are dammed, they become little idiots. They will never recover. Never.

GEORGE: I did him too. It's just a stupid job. Who cares? It's nothing. Think about your writing.

MIKE: It's not MY writing! It's HIS writing! Don't you see? I write for him. Don't you see how stupid it is? It's the mousy writing. I look at them, their feelings, their words -- it's not human.

GEORGE: Listen, I know it's tough. Year after year after year. It's life, Mickey.

MIKE: Do you know who he is?

GEORGE: I can talk with the boss. Do you want me to?

MIKE: He IS the boss.

GEORGE: Mike, Mike, what is it?


MIKE: He is God. He is the Second Coming....

GEORGE: Let me talk....

MIKE: I can prove it.

GEORGE: Come on, come on, Mike! What? Is it better to be a guard? Casher? Waiter?

MIKE: They are not animals!

GEORGE: You are not a mouse!

MIKE: Not yet.

GEORGE: Do you want to switch?

MIKE: I hate clowns.

GEORGE: Go home. (About the costume.) Take it off and go home. I'll cover for you.

MIKE: No, not home. I'm thinking about him. All the time. It's his home.

GEORGE: I mean it, man. You have to stop it.

MIKE (picks up Mickey's head): Look, look! He is always happy. Do you know why? Because he is stupid. Because there's nothing in his life to think about. Because he has no life. None. Nothing to remember.

GEORGE: Mike! What is that? Method acting?

MIKE: Do it for ten more years and you'll know. You don't understand how serious the situation is.

GEORGE: What situation?

MIKE: Our situation.


GEORGE: I'll make it.

MIKE: You won't.

GEORGE: Is it so?

MIKE: Listen to your voice.

GEORGE: What about my voice?

MIKE: It's a clown's voice.

GEORGE: I put it on. (Pause.) Fuck you. (Pause.) Fuck you, Mike. (Leaves.)

(Mike goes to the garbage container.)

MIKE: Are you there? Do you hear me? (Talking to a mouse.) Do you want to switch? Do you want to be human? Come out! (Hits the garbage.) Let's do it! Come on! (Hits again.) Answer me! (Gets the gun from his pocket and shoots inside the trash container.)

(George runs back.)

GEORGE: Are you drunk? Is it you?

MIKE: I killed him.

GEORGE: Where did you get the gun?

MIKE: "Where did you you get the gun?" "The gun!" "Oy! Ay!" I did. For protection. Blink, blink.

GEORGE: Give it to me.

MIKE: He is there (points at the garbage.)

GEORGE: You're nuts.

MIKE: I told you. Did I?

GEORGE: All right! You killed the fucking mouse. Okay?

MIKE: Do you know what he said?

GEORGE: Shut up! You are an idiot. You are a stupid idiot.

MIKE: Do you want to know? His last words?

GEORGE: You think only you have problems. You are so full of it. So full of yourself. Yes, you are! Give me the gun! (Grabs Mike.) Give it up!

MIKE: I have a message for you, his last words....

GEORGE: Yeah? You want to play your damn play? Is it something you're writing or what?

MIKE: He said, "Tell George to remember one thing...."

GEORGE: Shut up! You are pathetic! Poor Michael! Oh, baby! Sad Mickey! Who the hell do you think you are?

MIKE: He said that he loves everybody. He loves all people. He forgives them. He sees no evil in them. He loves his neighbor, his enemy, everyone!

GEORGE: Are you done?

MIKE: He loves you, George.

GEORGE: You are sick. That's what you are. A sick idiot.

MIKE: Do you know how he died? He did die, George. My mouse. The real one. He got stuck. I think he committed suicide. We called him Mike, Jr. The junior was a real man, he killed himself. He didn't want to be Mickey Mouse. He was not a pet. He was thinking, I watched him, he would sit and think for hours. I would take him out, but he wouldn't eat. He never smiled....

GEORGE: What do you want? What is this all about?

MIKE: He starved himself to death. I knew what he was doing. I asked him -- "Why, why?" I begged him. I asked him the same question -- "What do you want? What is the problem?"

GEORGE: Mike, Mike, talk to me. Forget the fucking mouse....

MIKE: You know, sometimes it gets you so bad. Out of nowhere, just -- boom, and it's in your heart. And no way you can take it out. Like a needle....

GEORGE: Is it something at home? Mike?

MIKE: You want to scream! You want to say it, but you can't, you're a mouse. You have no words, just sounds. And your mind goes into a million pieces. And then you are empty....

GEORGE: What is it, Mike? (Holds him.) What?

MIKE (He doesn't listen.): I am a special mouse, a human mouse. Super-mouse. That's what I am. That's what we are. That's why we all love Mickey. Not a cat, or a dog. The mouse! Because I can do nothing about it, about my life....

GEORGE: It's okay, Mike.

MIKE (Continues.): Mickey is a man, he pays my bills, puts food on the table, clothes me. Like a father. He never cries. He always smiles. George, it's bad, man.

GEORGE: I know, man. (Takes his gun and throws it in the garbage.) Do you want a cigarette?

MIKE (Shakes his head.): I got up in the morning. As usual. The morning is always the same. She's usually up before me. She gets up before me.... So, I go there and she is sleeping. So, I do the stuff, go out, and then something hits me, I don't know what, so I go back. From the corner, back to our floor, and every step, every one like -- yes, yes, yes, you're right. I stood, for God knows how long, before the door. (Pause.) She is dead, George. I didn't open the door. I knew, I know it.


MIKE: He killed her.

GEORGE: Oh, Mike!

MIKE: I called.

(George hugs Mike.)

GEORGE: Mike, Mickey, listen, we go'll together, all right? I'll go with you.

MIKE: Do you know, when I opened the door, she was sleeping so peaceful.... You know how many times I thought about it? This moment. I thought I could be ready. George....


MIKE: I don't have anybody. She wasn't sleeping, she was holding a glass. A glass of water. That's why I came back.

GEORGE: I'm sorry, Mike.

MIKE: She made me a Mickey Mouse costume, for Halloween. I was six. I don't know why I wanted it so bad. I guess that was the time I understood that I have nobody but her. I knew I have no father, but it's not the same.

GEORGE: Let's go, Mike, I'm with you.

(They smoke.)

MIKE: She thought that something would come out of her boy, something good. Not a mouse. She didn't give birth to a mouse. It broke her heart, George.

GEORGE; No, Mike, no! You're wrong, man.

MIKE: This mouse kills. I know.

GEORGE: Do you want me to call? Let me call.

MIKE: It killed my children, my whole family....

GEORGE: Mike, what are you talking about? You have no children.

MIKE: You see now? Everything. Nothing. What kind of children could I have? Mice? George, I can't go back. I can't think. I can't feel anything. (Points at the head of Mickey Mouse.) Like him. Dead. Now we both are dead.

GEORGE: What do you want, Mike? Tell me.

MIKE: I'm sorry.

GEORGE: What? What do you say?

MIKE: I got you in, into it. (About the clown's outfit.) I didn't mean it.

GEORGE: It's a job, Mike. I appreciate it. I'm grateful to you.

MIKE: You go, you call.

GEORGE: Sure. Right away.

MIKE: Call the police.

GEORGE: Police? All right.

MIKE: The door is open. I left it open... on Monday.

	Mike, what are you saying, Mike? Today is Friday, Mike.

	I couldn't go back.

	Take it off, take this off! (He tries to take off the
mouse's costume, Mike grabs his hands).


	Yes, Mike.


	This is me, the mouse.

	No, man, no, you can't give up. Trust me, I know. You have
to keep going. I say to myself, go, fuck, get up and go. Clown?
Fine. Voice over -- great. I'll take it. I'm not a clown. You
have to believe in it. Look, you have no choice, you have to.
What do you think I see when I am here working the crowd? No!
Never! Not like them. They come here, here, understand? What for?
You tell me. They don't know what to do with their time, their
lives. I'm working here, I'd rather be a clown. Not caged, not
tamed. They are ridiculous, not me! Understand? Do you
understand, Michael?

	It's all the same. It's wrong.

	No, Mike, no! Let me make a call. You stay here. We'll be
all right. Stay here. (Leaves.)

	(Radio announcements of products on sale. Mike hides in the trash.)

	George? (Pause.) George! (Gets up.) Fuck you, George! (Gets down.)

	(George is back, without his clown costume but still in makeup.)

	Mike? Mike!

	(Mike laughs, George goes to the container.)

	Funny, yeah? Very funny! (Tries to hit Mike.) Come out! You,
clown, get out! They're asking for you.

	I'm here (Makes noise.)

	I'll drive you home.

	Hello? Who is there? Oh, Ronald! Come in, Mr. McDonald! I'm home.


	Michael, please. It's not funny, man.

	Oh, it's not Ronald? It's Georgie! George! (Sings.) I love
you, you love me....

	God! Michael, come out! We have to meet them there, at the site.

	Sing with us. Sing with Mickey.

	Mike, they want you to identify the body.

	MIKE (Sings.)
	Head and shoulders, knees and toes.... Sing with us, George,
with us mice....

	GEORGE (Sings.)
	Head and shoulders.... Mike, listen, I'll be back. I have to
make a phone call.

	In case of emergency, call 911. Stay tuned. We'll be back.

	Mike! It's not an act, right?

	MIKE (gets up)
	Act? Did you say "act"?

	Jesus, Mike!

	Somebody said "Jesus"? Call the police!


	Let's pray! (Whispers.) Not play. Or act as if you are
praying. Did you notice that Mickey never prays? Mickey doesn't
believe in God, Georgie. Do you know why? Do you?

	No, Mike, you listen to me. Get the fuck out of there and
get yourself together! It's not a joke, Mike!

	Because! Because Mickey is God, Georgie! The one and only.
There's no other god, George!

	Fuck you all! What a fucking day! What is it? What the fuck
did I do?

	God Mickey will save you, Ronald. He is a living god. He is
everywhere. That was the second coming, George. Me!

	Stop it! This is fucking too much! This is fucking stupid! (Leaves.)

	Ladies and gentlemen, I was a boy. No, first I was a baby.
Then, I became a human being. That's what they say -- human. Do
you know what man is? Man is a robe, yes, a bridge, a highway
between the mouse and Mickey Mouse!

	(George and Policeman come out through the back door.)

	Here he is, the idiot. I told you, his mother died.

	I understand. We'll handle it.

	George! I lied. He didn't just die. The Junior. I killed
him. I threw him in the toilet. Because of the penis.

	What? Did you say penis?

	Have you seen a mouse's penis?

	I don't know. I guess I have.

	You haven't. If you had, you would be a different man.

	Ron, we have to keep things moving.

	I'm not Ron, I'm George.

	Sorry, George. We have to get his gun. Talk to him, George.
We don't want any shooting around here. Does he have a gun? What kind?

	I don't know. A hand gun.

	Why don't you shoot me, officer? I'm just a mouse. Not even
a dog. Come on, do it! You haven't see a mouse's penis, either,
have you?

	No, sir.

	Jesus, Mike! Would you cut it out, man?! Is it an act?

	Ah! Now, Georgie, now you are getting it! It was an act, I
did act as a human. I talk as a human, I walk and even look like
one. Don't I? What does it prove?

	Yes, you tell me, man, what does it prove? I don't know,
Mike. What do I know? I'm a clown, a dummy.

	That's right, George. Do you want to know how I understood it?

	Sir, could you stand up, so we can talk....

	I'm standing, officer. Do you know that you are a policeman?

	Yes, sir, I'm a police officer.

	No, you think that you are a policeman, but in fact you ARE
Policeman. Do you see the difference? (Pause.) Do you?

	POLICEMAN (To George.)
	What do I say?

	I don't know. Mike, give him the gun. It makes him nervous,
the gun. Give it to him, he is a policeman, he doesn't understand
this stuff.

	You see, officer, George understands it. You are Policeman.
You have to recognize the fact. I did. Once I began the line of
questioning, there was no stopping. I, too, thought that I am a
man. Everybody thought that I'm a man. Because once we start
questioning it, there is no way to stop. Have you see your penis, officer?

	I better call for a backup.

	Mike, please, come out. There will be two dozen of them,
with sirens, guns. They will scare the shit out of the mall.
There are kids out there, Mike.

	I want them to listen. Mouse, armed and dangerous, speaks
English, knows them -- it's power, George. Do you know the answer?

	What? About the penis? It's just a penis, Mike. Nothing much.

	It's ugly, George. If you look at a mouse's penis, you'll
understand it. It's red, blue, pathetic.

	Yes, Mike, it's pathetic. You're right.

	Don't argue with him, Ron.

	I don't. Relax. He is not violent. Trust me, I know the man.

	You think you do. I'm a good actor, George. I play my part
well. I fool my own mother. George, she died because she
understood that she gave birth to a mouse. Do you understand the
horror of it? To give birth to a monster? She wasn't a mouse, she
was mother. She thought that it would be a boy. She wanted it so
bad that I tried. It wasn't easy to notice that I was a mouse. It
came out little by little. You have to mature for nature to show
itself. Officer, your mother didn't know that she gave birth to
Policeman. It's even more tragic. At least a mouse is something
which could be understood.

	(Whispers.) Ron, you stay on him. I can't use my radio here,
it will distress him. He moves, you scream -- I'm here, behind
the door. (Quietly moves to the door, disappears.)

	MIKE (Gets up.)
	(About the Policeman.) You see, George, a mouse is not the
stupidest thing in the world. Or a clown.

	It's not for real, Mike, is it?

	George, I mean it. I have to kill him, it's time. There is
no other way. I thought about it a lot. That's when I got a gun.
It will be the first human act for the mouse, the first step. Can
you relate to it, George?

	Oh, boy! You drive me crazy!

	That's the point, Ron! You have to get out of this suit! You
have to give birth to yourself, to George. You have to lose HIS
mind, this little mind of a clown. Ronald McDonald can't play
Shakespeare, only George can. You know it. Don't lie to yourself, George.

	And do I do, Mike? What does Ron do? What do we do? Why
don't you shoot him, too? Shoot the fucking clown, Mike!

	Now you understand.

	I understand nothing! Do you hear me? Nothing!

	You understand it. They don't understand that they
understand nothing. Big difference.

	And what? Where do I go from here? To sit together with you
in the garbage? To be institutionalized? To kill myself? (Pause.)
I'm sorry, Mike. I'm just a clown. I'm sorry about your mother,
man. Don't make me cry, Mike. Not now.

	 Why don't you go home, George? Go.

	I can't leave you like this. They are nuts. God knows what
they will do to you. It's all for nothing. Nothing you can do, Mike.

	I want to have my life, George. I want to be human. Not feel
human, but be. Like when I was a boy, when I had a chance. Do you
remember how it feels? When everything is open, when you walk
into the world with eyes open, when everything is so new and you
want it -- now, tomorrow, forever? That's human. The rest is
tiring, the same, dead.

	You want to be a god or an angel, not a man.

	God, god? What the hell is that? I want to be a man. That's
all. Is it too much to ask? I know it's possible. I feel it from
time to time, I felt it before. This business about gods is for
them -- the mice, police, clowns, customers. George, I'd rather
be a mouse who dreams about becoming a man.

	They won't understand you, Mike. They will never understand
it. I know this. And you know. Leave them alone. Let them be. You
are not Jesus, not a clown. I know you.

	I know you do.

	Give me your gun. I'll tell them that it was a joke. That we
were rehearsing Beckett or something. We're actors, they will buy
it. Get out of there, let me help you....

	I can't go home.

	I know. You stay with me.

	What about her?

	Fuck her, she is a girl-friend. (They both laugh.) Not a
girl, not a friend -- girlfriend. What do you think that is,
Mickey? (They laugh.) You are a smart mouse, you should know.

	They'll kick you out. They'll kick me out and you, too.
Because they need a clown, a mouse and a clown.

	Fuck them, I have an underwear audition on Monday. It's just
an ass, Mike. Penis and ass. They have both. You are not a penis,
not an ass, not a mouse.

	(There are voices, commands, radio voices.)

	GEORGE (screams)
	We are all right! He is coming out! He has no gun!

	(They try to climb out of the container.)

	I'll do it, the underwear ad.

	(They both laugh.)

	Sure. You can do whatever you want. Do you have a smoke?

	Thanks, man. Let me get it. (He goes for a pack of
cigarettes under his costume).

	(The back door is slammed open. Shots. Many. The container
falls on the side.)


	(Mike and George do not move.)

	They shot at us, Mike.

	They're the police, George. That's what they do.

	You made my day, Mike.

	Sorry, it got out of control.

	It's okay. I enjoyed it. You're good.

	I needed it, George. Otherwise, I'll go crazy. Especially on Fridays.

	Hey, don't I understand! I love Mike, Jr. -- great idea! And
the mother, the glass, the door -- you are really good!

	Thanks. I feel better.


	I know.

	They shot at us, Mike. They shot me dead.

	Me too.

	I don't have to go back. I'm free, Mike. Mike? Mike!

	(POLICEMAN appears from the door and approaches the container.)

	POLICEMAN (screams back to the dark door)
	They are here. Both. They look dead. (Touches them.) They
are dead. Both.... Dead. (Cries.) Dead.... dead....

	(Mike and George do not move, giggling. They don't have to
worry about anything anymore -- they are dead.)


SIMULACRA An American Comedy in Two Acts and Four Scenes

2005-2006 Theatre UAF Season: Four Farces + One Funeral & Godot'06
Film-North * Anatoly Antohin Copyright © 2005. Permission to link to this site is granted.
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